A Change of Plan

My recent influence and plan to incorporate a technique used by filmmaker Sam-Taylor Wood has changed over a long thought process. I originally planned to shoot two videos of myself to be projected on multiple screens simultaneously. The first video of me sitting on a chair acting upset, the second video of me shouting at the camera. I wanted to make a multi screen video to sow the fear of becoming your father, which is a fear that most men have. However, I started to think about the production and I felt like it could be more. I don’t want to project other peoples fear, I want to project my own. I want it to be something personal, to send a message not only to my audience but also to myself. So I thought about it, what do I fear most? It took a while but I finally found a feasible answer.

The past couple of years I have gained quite a bit of weight, I didn’t think it bothered me that much but I realised that it has affected my confidence and self esteem. This is more subconscious than conscious, but I know that it has happened. I was an extremely confident teenager, I was thin and didn’t really have a care in the world. But as I got older my belly grew bigger. I’m still generally quite a happy person but I have noticed a rapid decrease in my confidence. I first thought I was just maturing, but it was always more than that.

My technique will stay the same and it will be shot the same, but instead of a father figure I’m going to play as my subconscious, never letting me forget how disgusting I am, never letting me feel like I can succeed. I want it to be a large stick poking my conscious. Once edited I want to loop it, making it an endless cycle of self torment.

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